Don’t get me wrong. I’m all in on being a parent, at times cartoonishly so. But to say that it’s been all sunshine and roses would be a big fat lie.

The almost three years since becoming a parent of two young girls have, by many measures, been the most challenging and mentally taxing of my 35 year existence. Here are some things I’ve had some difficulty with:

A few days after writing this, I’m planning on getting dinner with a good friend in New York City. I am very much looking forward to the dinner. But I have partly scared myself as to how much I am looking forward to the 40 minute train ride.

There is nothing glamorous about this train ride. It’s typically crowded and full of dead-eyed commuters watching TikTok. But those 40 minutes will be my time, and my time alone. I could read uninterrupted, or maybe look out the window. I could even eavesdrop on another conversation with undivided attention.

Before I had kids, I had too much freedom. This was typically great, but occasionally I’d get that nagging feeling that there was something missing; an existential void that we are programmed to fill with children.

Now, there is definitely nothing missing. Well, except for space to breathe and distill thoughts and perspectives without the 24/7 din of unmoored mayhem. Trying to cultivate a sense of self within this constant bedlam is like trying to stargaze while a neon restaurant sign is placed in front of your face.

And the sign is also demanding that you give it more Mac and cheese.

No matter where you are on the financial spectrum, having kids will all but guarantee that things you used to spend money on will go to your children.

I doubt you need a link to believe that childcare costs are an “almost prohibitive” expense. For many families, the numbers simply don’t add up and it actually pays (often significantly so in the immediate term) for at least one parent to downscale their job/career or stay at home. The stats say this is typically the mom, although from my own personal experience I can tell you that’s not always the case.

Even so, paying a daycare or caretaker all your money to do a passable job at raising your children is only part of the story. There’s also an unending queue of food, toys, activities, and accessories that are almost always slapped with an additional “you have no choice but to buy this, ha-ha!” parental tax.

I personally struggle with the fact that it feels pretty much impossible to anticipate everything. Despite our best attempts to forecast when we’ll need a new carseat, big girl bed, or more expensive toy, we routinely exceed “unknown expenses” portion of our budget.

Trying to account for everything is like watching your kid trying to catch every single bubble from the bubble machine.

My fuse is significantly shorter than it used to be. This is probably due to moderate to severe lack of sleep the better part of three years, but I used to pride myself on my considerable patience. Subscribers who know me personally would probably describe me as a “chill dude” who doesn’t get rattled.

Yet, I find myself in mini-road-rage arguments almost regularly. I’d argue many of these are justified (have you seen how people drive lately?), but these are encounters that I used to just shrug off, or approach with a cool equanimity. I used to (charitably) think that maybe X person is driving too fast because their spouse has bone cancer and are racing to an appointment. Now I just assume that they’re personally out to get me.

Prior to becoming a parent I was a semi-professional standup comedian, tried my hand at a few entrepreneurial ventures, and held down a long-term job in marketing/communications.

Over time, all of these previous identities slowly eroded as necessity and destiny directed me toward spending a few years as a stay at home parent.

I am comfortable with my decision. I see some of my comedian friends living glamorous lives on tour or becoming established at the Comedy Cellar, and occasionally get pangs of jealously before remembering what’s really behind that seemingly big life: Endless miles on the road and airport terminals, high chance of social media addiction, constant loneliness and abandoning of family. Sometimes, all for a financial pittance.

But while I am stuck changing diapers and trying to negotiate nonsense with my 2.5 year old (can Chris Voss come out with a class about this?), I frequently obfuscate the bad and focus on everything I gave up on. A major career, potential to make a grand impact in the world.

A big life.

Occasionally I also see someone from my past who I (ungenerously) believe to be a certified idiot attain some major career success, start a business, or do something that outstrips my own personal achievements. I can’t help but play the comparison game.

While not every parent necessarily deals with this type of thing on the scale that I’m describing, a decent percentage do. Being a parent is a physical manifestation of opportunity cost, particularly at this early 0-5 stage. It takes a particularly skilled tightrope artist (and a partner willing to pick up any and all slack) to be a fully present parent while also going to exclusive dinners, hustling to get your business off the ground, or publishing groundbreaking investigative reports.

Oftentimes it feels like you can aspire to a big glamorous life, or live a tediously purposeful one. I know what I’m choosing every time, but it’s harder to never look at the green grass on the other side.

When I was 21, I lived in LA for a summer. Our neighbors had a couch they kept outside, where they’d spend nights drinking, smoking, and doing whatever else cool kids do in LA.

I’m pretty sure that couch was in better shape than our current one. It definitely had less stickers. Maybe the same almost of Goldfish crumbs though.

Thanks to writer Freddie deBoer who included a recent post, The Long Tail of Being Useful, on his subscriber-featured writing on his popular Substack. An additional thanks to all new subscribers who came over from that post.

Freddie wrote a good piece titled The Vicious, Potentially Fatal Anti-Public School Propaganda Cycle which talks about the forces at play that seek to dismantle the public school system. I’d encourage all parents to read.

It has been suggested that I do a Bill Simmons-style mailbag for questions about parenting, couple disputes, etc., citing that it’d be entertaining, and that “maybe [this person’s wife] would listen to me.”

I think this is a great idea, but I’m also not going to stoop to the level of half of the content creators out there and make up fake questions. If at least 3 questions are sent, this will happen. If not, we’ll all just continue our lives.

If you have a question for the hypothetical Dad Mailbag, simply respond to this email with your question. Any and all questions are welcome.

If you liked this post, please consider sharing with someone who you think would get something out it. I cannot tell you how much I would appreciate this. Actually I can: I would really, really appreciate it.

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