In November, the musician Jon Bellion went on the Modern Wisdom podcast to talk about his new album. What he and host Chris Williamson really talked about though, in the wonderfully meandering way that great podcasts tend to do, was the push and pull between individualistic pursuits and being a great, fully present dad.

One exchange particularly perked up my antenna:

Jon’s a made man in the music industry, but his career arc is far from typical. He initially gained traction after joining the same small record label as another talented musician destined for big-time success, Logic. At age 22, he burst onto the larger industry’s radar after writing the hook for Eminem and Rihanna’s Monster.

He then spent the early and mid-2010s rising up the ranks, putting out music of his own, and amassed a growing, rabid following in part due to his ever-growing producing and songwriting talents. The sky was the limit. 

But then, he zagged.

Instead of continuing to build momentum as an individual artist, he suddenly stopped. His name started appearing alongside other big names in the form of songwriting credits. Justin Bieber, Maroon 5, Camilla Cabello, Selena Gomez, the Jonas Brothers, Jung Kook of BTS.

At the height of his powers, he waited over six years to release more music of his own. 

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Why did Bellion walk away from the spotlight? The answer is complicated, but it appears to hinge on two primary factors. First, he realized just how restrictive and exploitative his recording and touring contracts were; deals he signed when he was young, ripe for classic music industry swindling and didn’t know better. Living under these terms started to cause him literal panic attacks. 

Second, through being exposed to the mega-celebrities in the industry, he seemed to sense that the career track of a musical superstar was at odds with being respected by your wife and children.

He observes on Modern Wisdom, “I’ve never had a long, 234 hour conversation in the studio with a famous m–f–er that’s been like I loved it. It was the best decision I ever made in my life, being famous.”

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So by the time he reached his late 20s–the age where many of us fully realize how dumb we used to be and immediately become thankful we didn’t mess things up more than we already did–he completely reprioritized.

First, Jon Bellion as an artist effectively went on strike. He stopped making music in his name and vowed never to perform live again under the current contract. He effectively took a “normal job” as support staff for others, albeit in a very glamorous environment with a high ceiling in terms of earning potential. He had three children, and relished the fact that he took the exit ramp off when he did. 

Eventually, through the chart topping success of songs like Ghost, HOLY, and Liar, he was able to buy himself out of the Live Nation contract. And because he didn’t release his own music for such a long time his recording contract was reversed, enabling him to make music without the previous strings attached. Through the urging of his wife, he put out his new album under his own label, Beautiful Mind Records. 

All this to say: this is a guy who has thought long and hard about what’s important. Instead of going on tour after his new album, he simply played two back-to-back shows at Forest Hills Stadium, his hometown arena. Resisting the urge to turn his “my kids are what’s important” album into a national showcase that would contradict his message. 

It’s one thing to say what you think is important. It’s another to actually live it. 

And still, he understands that he needs to keep things in check. That being a good parent is a constant negotiation of your time and your priorities, and that your goodwill in the bank doesn’t really matter if you suddenly stop walking the walk. Bellion discusses how it’s so easy to get wrapped up in studio that you could easily start to stay late here, finish something up there. Before you know, you can rationalize yourself into a new normal where you aren’t always there for your kids. 

Career pursuits can always effectively hide behind the shroud of financial necessity, but we all know what that line is for each of us. When the “I’m doing this for my family” justification fades out and our personal self-interest, ambition, or need to avoid reality fades in.

Whether we’re stretching out the end of a work dinner, fishing, or sitting downstairs in the basement writing a newsletter about parenting, it’s each and every dad’s responsibility to walk that fine line necessary restoration and the slippery slope of selfishness. As a stay at home dad, if I didn’t have some time to myself in the mornings to work on this newsletter, I’d lose my mind and thus be a worse parent. I want this thing to grow and succeed, and maybe even actually make money. But if I prioritized this newsletter at the expense of my children and wife, the whole thing would be pointless and hypocritical. 

As Jon notes, “It’s like you have kids, and then you learn to die. And then when you learn to die, you actually get your life in your death. The giving up of oneself by saying my dreams, my millions, my potential, my MVP, my Olympics are dead because I brought a life into this world….when it’s not about you, it’s so much more enjoyable”