They’re out there just doing their best. Here are 10 types of millennial dads you may have come across:

His kids are running riot over him at CVS. Clinging to his legs for candy while he’s just trying to get some shampoo. He’s texting his wife to figure out if this is the correct free and clear laundry detergent. It isn’t.

Sweating, he scratches his throat. Is it hot in here or is it getting hard to breathe?

The next morning you see him waiting for the train, his posture signaling a complete energy shift. He’s sporting a suit, and he’s locked into his AirPods. His skin is glowing. The day is his for the taking. And he’s going to grab it with the enthusiasm of this Starbucks doubleshot espresso ad from the mid 2000s. 

This is where he thrives. Providing for his family in peace. 

Can’t live without: The window seat on the train

Potty training. Wake windows. How to resolve especially picky eating habits.

While his wife is deep into instagram influencers and text chains, DadGPT has completely outsourced the mental load of parenting onto a data center in Ashburn, Virginia. 

He’ll come back with weirdly formatted outlines with too much information, and then test out this great social experiment on his child time and time again. One time, the advice worked. Because of this, ChatGPT’s expertise may never be questioned. 

Can’t live without: His plus subscription

The dad who’s always trying to get you to meet up at the brewery, biergarten, or whatever place that technically allows kids but will mostly indulge his pastime in a socially acceptable way. 

Beware of asking any questions about what he’s drinking. Unless you’re up for a 30 minute dissertation. 

Can’t live without: The specialty beer section at the grocery store 

He’s never without the jogging stroller. Sure, he’s now a parent. But that makes all of the longevity content even all the more pressing. Zone 1, 2, or 3, his regimen cannot be compromised. 

The lack of sleep gnaws at him with the insidiousness of Jack Nicholson mimicking a rat in The Departed. Good thing he’s got his AG1 supplements and his Factor subscription. And you best bet that he meal prepped a 90 day supply of lean burritos before the baby came.  

Can’t live without: The Andrew Huberman podcast

We’re all this guy. In fact, the Surgeon General confirmed that pretty much every dad (and every parent) is at their wits end.

But the Perpetually Worn Out Dad takes it to a different level. Exhaustion isn’t just a temporary state waiting to be conquered with a few decent nights of sleep. It’s his raison d'être, in the same way he spent two years in his 20’s poring over fantasy football data for 10 hours a day. 

Coffee always in hand, he’s aged 2 decades over the last 3 years. And he’ll always be sure to tell you about it. 

Can’t live without: Sighing loudly in public

The 2020 toilet paper shortage was a big wakeup call. Never again will he be caught flat footed. 

If you ever get stuck talking to Doomsday Dad you’ll walk away learning about every type of potential disaster that can befall us at any moment, the ins and outs of a bug out bag, and the crucial importance of nail clippers. 

He’s not so much America First as he is his Family First; when the SHTF scenario inevitably occurs, politics won’t matter. And he’s always looking to move somewhere even further off the grid. 

Can’t live without: Daydreams of the perfect bunker

At first you weren’t sure if this guy had a backup non-work outfit. But then you realize that he’s got an endless rotation of the same hats, sweatshirts, socks, and even ties. It’s a bit much, but you also are genuinely jealous of his love and devotion to his college football team. 

He’s got his kids on the act too. Depending on how old they are, they’ve already made the storied annual trip to the big game. 

Can’t live without: The giant flag in front of his house

He’s got multiple text threads going. With the dads from school, the neighborhood, and pickup basketball. It doesn’t matter so much that these dads really know or even like each other. These things are secondary when it comes to the importance of assuaging the male loneliness issue. 

In reality, this guy is a saint and we need him more than ever. He just doesn’t need to reference Bowling Alone every few hours.  

Can’t live without: An endless arsenal of small-talk lines 

This species of human–the one who is always discussing the intricacies of different airports, won’t shut up about TSA pre-check, and likes to guess the length of various flights as a means of relaxation–exists well beyond just dads. 

But being a Travel Dad ups the ante considerably. Because between car seats, naps, bottles, and normal realities of air travel, flying with young kids is essentially a logistical Super Bowl. And the margin for error has been reduced to zero, despite the fact that something is all but guaranteed to go wrong. 

Can’t live without: The Delta Sky Lounge

Last Sunday, he left at 9am to make the two hour drive to the Meadowlands for the Giants tailgate. He and his 1 year-old son couldn’t leave the game early, so they braved the horrendous traffic afterwards and didn’t get home until 7pm. 

Next week they’re off to a family thing in Florida. Two weeks after that, a trip to Austin. 

Those of us who aren’t this dad have no idea how any of this is even possible. Is their child the easiest baby in the world? Do these people simply not care? Is there something wrong with how I’m parenting because I can barely handle getting my kids into the car? 

Can’t live without: Some sort of secret magic potion these dads are hiding from the rest of us

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