I recently turned 36. When people asked if I was doing anything for my birthday beyond spending it with my wife and daughters, I had to pretend like this was a valid question that one would ask a 36 year-old man.

Father’s Day though, I find to be a little less self-aggrandizing. I view it more as a celebration of the job than the person. I also like that it’s the one day that society will collectively allow fathers to take a break without being labelled as neglectful or absentee. As amazing as being a father is, we all know how mentally exhausting it is, and how much we’re supposed to pretend that it’s not. I find it funny—but also fitting—that for many dads, the ideal father’s day is peace and quiet going fishing or golfing.

With father’s day around the corner, here are some gifts that I think would actually be useful to most dads.

This golf ball is wirelessly connected to the emotional tenor of your home. It starts out the normal shade of white, but turns increasingly red based on how mad your wife is at you for spending the entire day golfing.

Thanks to the Happy Home Golf Ball, you’ll know that you should wipe that smile clear from your face upon opening the front door.

This spatula makes a unique sizzle sound to tell you the exact moment that a steak is perfectly cooked; giving your family and guests the illusion that it is you, not the tool, who is responsible for mastering the manly arena of red meat grilling.

Rub this in before going to any parenting event. You’ll instantly be versed in just enough to get by in whatever the other dads are talking about.

Don’t know much about craft beer? The beard balm will teach you about Heady Topper. Not into what’s going on in sports? You’ll suddenly know about Mitchell Robinson’s free throw woes¹.

Do you know a fair amount of people, but don’t have any actual friends? The male loneliness chess set is here to solve the woes of an entire generation.

Every time you take out this chess set, another dad whose current life experience is similar enough to yours will knock on your door. You’ll spend the next 2 hours playing chess, but really do that thing where you use the excuse of a game or activity to emotionally confide in each other.

Did you just screw in a new toilet paper mount? Are you so bold as to mow the lawn yourself?

Handy Home is a full-service public relations agency responsible for trumpeting your home improvement and maintenance achievements to the world. Through press releases, social media campaigns, and custom crisis-management solutions, Handy Home ensures that everyone (especially your spouse and kids) knows how much of an amazing and useful dad you are.

This is similar to the coffee mug that you see in every souvenir store, but with an important new feature.

When dad takes this mug out of the cabinet, his children suddenly lose any interest in asking him random questions, spilling their cheerios, or doing much of anything other than being perfectly behaved. The deluxe version of this mug will turn your children into concert pianists for the duration of your coffee drinking experience. Piano not included.

This is an iPad that is only accessible to your children when traveling; it simply doesn’t work anywhere other than a car, train, or airplane.

It also doesn’t addict your kids to screens. This is according to the company who makes this device, so you know that they are obviously not lying.

Simply give this a wave each morning before 7:00 a.m., and the parents of children with illnesses that meet the threshold for staying home will be hypnotized into actually following the rules of your child’s school/daycare.

As a monthly subscription service, you can sign up for the entire year and receive a complementary Hypocrite Rationalization Set, which will enable you to bend the very rules you get crazy about other parents for not following without having to confront your blatant hypocrisy.

That also never get holes in them.

This week has been an utter disaster week with both of our girls + my wife getting moderately to severely sick, so no real news and notes. I know, you are probably crushed. It is my sincere hope that you one day recover.

As always, thanks for reading and pass this along to anyone you think would enjoy our weekly articles.

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